The Magus: A Short Version

Nicholas: Gosh, what a frightfully repressed middle class English prig I am.

Alison: Oi pommy, how ‘bout a root?!

Nicholas: I say, what a gauche and dreadful Australian person. I think I’ll prove myself a pompous hypocrite by having naughty sex with her while disliking her for her unbridled sexuality.

(They have naughty sex)

Alison: I’m going to become a air hostess and marry an Australian.

Nicholas: Good, because you are such a horrid Aussie slut.

(She goes)

Nicholas: Oh dear – I’m in love with her. I’ll have to go and teach loathsome little Greek boys English.

(Goes to Phraxos)

Nicholas: I think I’ll now attempt suicide.

(Fails)

Nicholas: Or maybe not.

Conchis: Hello – I’m the guy the book’s title is about. I hope you've all read The Tempest or you won't get all the clever literary references.

Nicholas: My, how urbane and mysterious you are. Not to mention rich.

Conchis: Yet nothing is as it seems.

(Conchis puts on and takes off a series of masks in rapid succession)

Nicholas: Gosh, that was unexpected.

Lily/Julie/Whatshername: Hello, I’m pretty and nothing like that slutty Aussie.

Nicholas: How tantalising. You arouse my English hypocrisy strangely.

(Lily/Julie/Whatshername puts on and takes off a series of masks in rapid succession)

Nicholas: Gosh, that was unexpected.

Rose/June/Whatshername: I’m her identical twin.

Nicholas: This is a bit like a porn movie.

(Rose/June/Whatshername on and takes off a series of masks in rapid succession)

Nicholas: Ummm, this is getting a bit predictable.

(Guys dressed as Nazis burst in and beat him up)

Nicholas: Gosh, that was unexpected.

Conchis: Now I will tell you some stories that seem to be about me but are actually about you.

Nicholas: I think I preferred the Nazis.

Negro: We are all world-renowned psychologists.

(Everyone takes off their masks)

Nicholas: Are we in a Scooby-Doo episode?

Conchis: We would have got away with it, if it wasn’t for these meddling kids.

Nicholas: I think I’ll go home.

Alison: I’m not dead.

Nicholas: No, but you are still Australian.

John Fowles: Clever, huh.

Woody Allen: Crappy movie but.

The End